Aug 29, 2021—Starting an international convention for people who like to engage in the comments and I'm calling it Argumenta.

Jul 27, 2021—I only pinch pennies if they pinch me first.

Jul 26, 2021—When I was younger, my mom got me a book of excerpts by Hemingway called, "On Writing" to inspire my own writing, but the excerpts were like, "never make love before you write," or "I refuse to be drunk before writing."

Jul 19, 2021—Anyone else find it cute when the A train skips just Spring street? It's like a little express as a treat.

May 5, 2021—If you're cooking dinner AGAIN tonight, why not try something different? Serve raw lettuce and carrots and pretend you're all rabbits.

Apr 28, 2021—My wife of 4 years still has me in her phone as "Alex NY"

Apr 27, 2021—Going to sleep is WAY better than waking up.

Mar 17, 2021—You ever add onions to a pan that you think is hot but they sit silently without sizzling? It feels like a joke that didn't land.

Feb 24, 2021 Age isn't anything but a number, and your number is REALLY big.

Feb 23, 2021—Thinking about getting out of bed, and I begin wonder as a way of putting it off: what does "up" even mean? What constitutes the beginning of a day.

Feb 22, 2021—Marriage is like a tattoo—it's permanent and costs money, but you can also spend money and remove it, but it still looks like shit.

Feb 2, 2021—Ground Hog Day? More like Ground Hog Year!

My mom is adamant that she's not a new "birder," she just likes falcons.

Jan 15, 2021—How many of you have reached out to your parents that they can get the vaccine now since people 75 and older are eligible only to have them respond, "I'm 64 years old!"

Nov 12, 2020—Can the best laid plans of mice and men NOT go awry at least until after the end of 2020?

Nov 2, 2020 — I don't want to be a part of "the most important election of our lifetimes" ever again.

Oct 21, 2020 — Since everyone left New York City this year, I propose that we change its name to New York Town.

Oct 15, 2020 — A lot of my friends turned 40 this year, and I just want to say that I'm glad it's them and not me.

Sep 15, 2020 — Venus isn't really a planet. It's actually just our planet 200 years in the future when greenhouse gases have fully enveloped Earth.

Aug 25, 2020 — I remember all of the bad haircuts, and none of the good ones.

Jul 10, 2020 — So during the covid, you've reconnected with old friends, you've tried to keep in touch with your current friends, but you can just kiss those acquaintances good bye. Can we all agree that we'll have to reintroduce ourselves after it's all over

Jul 8, 2020 — As I think about how I miss going to college, it occurs to me that what I actually miss is the campus environment and experience. And that was essentially a space that harmonized live, work, and community needs. So basically, what I really want is a better designed city.

Jun 29, 2020 — Are there specific horoscopes for babies or toddlers? If you read a normal horoscope for a baby today—something like, "If you lose your focus, a fresh new love will set you straight,"—it doesn't really make sense. How do you apply astrology to babies?

What would a horoscope for babies sound like? "Ruled by the planet Moon, you are loyal to your parents, but curious about the world around you. Financial matters will improve your crib situation. A new daycare is likely for some—an atmosphere in which you will thrive!"

Feb 27, 2020 — Whenever I am forced to go to a Starbucks, I have refused to order coffees using their special terms, like tall or grande, and instead used the normal words, like small or large. In this small way, I have resisted.

Feb 25, 2020 — One thing I’ve learned as I get older is that I can truly do anything I set my mind to. The problem is I never set my mind to anything.

Jan 21, 2020—I had a dream last night. I was part of a crew of four vampires. One of us summoned Satan in a woods bare without winter foliage. In the distance were low mountains beset by castles. The ground was dark from fallen, wet leaves. The one doing the summoning had set out a square upon the ground, like a dance floor. Satan came from the heavens, but rather than look at the one who had summoned him, he looked at me. He looked like Michael Ian Black. His eyes turned black, and I understood them to echo the terror and horror of everyone who had lived, but I did not feel afraid. I thought that I shouldn’t look him in the face, but he beckoned me to look at him. And so I did. I felt then that even though someone else had summoned him, it was I who could go to battle with him. And so I flew straight into his body. The body whirled into a green cloud, and I didn’t stay long within it. I hurtled from him in pain. I knew that it wasn’t over—it had only begun. Then, the alarm went off. It was 6:30.

Jan 8, 2020 — Thinking about going to the gym and shaking those big ropes. Those big ropes seem like they need to be shaken. Why shouldn’t I be the one to shake them?

Oct 17, 2019 — A good metaphor for Brooklyn is that I once was in a record shop where they played a $130 vinyl record that skipped a lot.

Sep 3, 2019 — I just realized that disco balls are a type of mosaic. Cheers, Ancient Romans!

Sep 4, 2019 — Why do they call it Astrology and not Dancing with the Stars?

Aug 28, 2019 — I watched a nature documentary the other day, and the footage captured of incredible wildlife was so vivid and embedded in nature, that my perception stuttered between thinking it was CGI animation and actual video. In that unsettling intersection, I began to imagine a world in which most of the wildlife on which nature documentaries depend was gone, and in its place animators step in to imagine what biodiversity looked like on our planet. This, for instance, is what it might have looked like had you witnessed a baby ibex take a dramatic plunge down a steep cliff before they went extinct, or this is how we imagine glassy frogs had fought off egg-eating wasps before their habitats were scorched. Now, the nature documentarians of the future—actually cutting-edge illustrators and animators—finally have documented all life that we have knowledge of, get bored, and start to imagine what new life would look like, had biology been left to take its course. Natural selection is replaced by computer-generation, and the cruel process of evolution is supplanted by the cruel process of studio executives.

Aug 21, 2019 — My emotions are oddly shaped around the week. Often, on Monday morning I feel depressed about where my life is going. I start to think I haven’t done enough to become the learned person I suspected I would be. Whatever happened to my being a writer? Am I doomed to put up with the same job I’ve had for the past five years for the rest of my life?

By Wednesday, I feel more well rested in the morning, and a bit better about my future. Things aren’t so bad as all that I had thought on Monday. In fact, I am learning new things. I have been writing consistently for the past couple of days, and I have a small nugget of a novel idea that has been forming in my head. I bought a new body of a film camera, and yesterday Maria took it out in Soho to take photos. I’m learning Italian on a mobile app, and I’ve been practicing every day. And to be fair, we’re pretty lucky to live in a nice apartment on a beautiful street in Brooklyn. We have support from our families and friends. Our friends have been so generous to us! Our summer has been filled with activities of local travel.

By Friday, I feel like a king. I’m going to really hone in on that novel starting next week. And in the meantime, during the weekend, I’ll see friends, drink, be merry, go to the beach, maybe even visit the swimming pool, and go shopping for the week. I’ll gain new inspiration for the novel I’ll write next week! It all follows that pattern.

Aug 19, 2019 — New York, the city so enamored with itself, they named it twice!

Jul 9, 2019 — My friend broke his ankle because he tried skateboarding again at age 37 and I’m making a movie about it called 2 L8 2 SK8.

Jun 4, 2019 — The world will end not with a bang, but with a sound like Tim Allen made in Home Improvement.

May 17, 2019 — Rice Krispy treats are a type of risotto.

May 10, 2019 — A man steps outside to smoke his new vape pen, but without the limitation of a cigarette he doesn’t know when to stop. So, he ends up smoking outside the bar forever.

May 8, 2019 — Millennials Are Spending Less Money on Stuff, and More on “Cool” Experiences Like Getting Healthcare, Going to College, and Paying Rent

Apr 24, 2019 — Is it just me or do boomers love talking about history, but often fail to make the connections to the world today? What we learn from the past can influence how we improve society for everyone, and yet, boomers are only concerned with how life was in the past. Contrarily, it seems that people of my generation, and younger, don’t care about history, as long as they are influencing and improving society moving forward. It feels to me like that healthy methodology lies somewhere between those two options.

Apr 15, 2019 — Anyone ever meet their celebrity hero, then spend the rest of their life thinking about what they should have said in the moment? I can't stop thinking about what I should have said to Todd Terje 6 years ago.

Apr 12, 2019 — The Game of Thrones series has seen the entire trajectory of my media-watching career. When I first started watching it, I viewed it on a poor quality, illegal streaming service on my laptop. By the end of the series, I was able to afford HBO subscription, and an actual TV.

Apr 8, 2019 — The name Wolfgang seems unfairly cool to me. How is it acceptable to be named after a gang of wolves?

Apr 5, 2019 — I like Mr. Roger's goals—to make every child feel loved and valued—but I wish there was another version of him that was more agnostic, and realistic about the way the world works.

When Mr. Rogers said stuff like, I love you for who are, I feel like it could be more like, I don't love you, kid, because I never met you. But I've met a lot of people in the world, and I have found that all of them have something worthwhile to contribute if you listen to them. Find what's good in you and express that. Take that good in you and make others happy.

When he says, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, I feel like it should be, you know what? It might not be a beautiful day in the neighborhood. There's a lot of people out there looking out for themselves to the detriment of others. Adults have had to construct a world despite this, and through shitty, and often nonexistent ways of communicating with each other. But even if it's the shittiest day in the neighborhood, it's pretty darn cool we're alive. We could celebrate that together. So, thanks for tuning in, kid!

Mar 28, 2019 — The subway is a great place to find out how much people treasure sitting.

Mar 27, 2019 — My own wife (who is a few years younger than I) asked me where I was when JFK was assassinated.

Nov 12, 2018 — I want to start a band called Kisss, with three S's.

Oct 5, 2018 — Time travel is impossible mostly because we would be disgusted by everyone’s teeth in the past.

Oct 3, 2018 — CONFESSION: in my second semester at college a professor called on me to describe superstition. He actually called me by name because I had him the previous semester. I liked that, because for the first time that year it demonstrated that I was someone worth knowing. Unfortunately, my response was bumbling and completely undeserving of his recognition. Later, I thought that a better response would have been to cite Stevie Wonder, who sings that superstition is “when you believe in things that you don’t understand.” For years I have thought how good this response would have been: funny but also completely true. It’s been decades, and I've never forgotten it. Sometimes I try to comfort myself by thinking, well, I’ll be prepared if someone ever asks me again. But I know there will never be another chance! It's gone forever!

Jul 16, 2018 — I keep a list of things I want to do in New York, but never do them so that the city always has this sense of being undiscovered in my mind.

Jun 13, 2018 — The premise of every Silicon Valley company is: Your mom used to drive you places, make you dinner, and dress you. What if, in adulthood, an app could keep doing all that stuff for you?

Jun 6, 2018 — I’m SO confused right now about whether or not it’s patriotic to watch football.

May 23, 2018 — I’ve watched two people in the past year move to New York and develop New York attitudes and it’s lovely.

May 19, 2018 — In my first year of college, I invited my friends to play the game of Risk over the piece of land on the Berkeley campus that was designated in 1989 as completely free of any nations’ jurisdiction. It was a fun idea that we actually carried out, but as I think back on it now, it completed every element that I come to expect of a good art work. At the time, my friends and I were very serious about the game of Risk—games could last days, they were heated. I wanted to bring what we enjoyed about playing the game to a public space, to be viewed and interacted with by anyone who so chose. Berkeley was the perfect place for it. I remember people passing us in the crisp night and looking on, one man approached us and explained what we were doing—“playing the game of global domination over the only place not ruled by a country”—and moved on. We look to good art to show us new ways of living and interacting with one another. My friends in high school and I totally lived in that spirit.

The art world (especially in New York) is nothing but a network of people who are critical of how boringly society works. When I go to a performance, I am always nervous: anything can happen, perhaps I will be targeted by the artist. But I am ok with it. I am willing to play the game by their rules to see how it feels. The best work allows you to experience the world through an alternate perspective. What if we weren’t so closed off in public space? What if every person I encountered said hello to me? Why can’t we play board games with strangers?

May 18, 2018 — Ah, lunch: the penultimate meal of the day!

May 14, 2018 — I understand light much better than I did when I was in my 20s.

Apr 17, 2018 — While I agree the unexamined life is not worth living, I’ll never determine if I’m examining my life quickly, efficiently and thoroughly enough.

Mar 27, 2018 — When you wish upon a star
You set goals for yourself
Without putting a formal plan in place
You can just forget about that wish
Ever coming true

Mar 21, 2018 — My body is aging. It doesn't feel like it used to when I was younger. I think it’s because of climate change. Is this the world we want to leave for our children?

Mar 7, 2018 — I’ve heard songs about friendships and lovers and family, but I’ve never heard a song about colleagues.

Feb 27, 2018 — Just thought of a good comeback to say to someone who was being unpleasant on the subway two years ago.

Feb 26, 2018 — When I'm waiting for the subway, I often look down the dark tunnel to see if the next train is coming. It's easy to imagine that there—in a dingy subterranean space, rat infested and stinky—live four mutants, teenagers, relegated to the literal margins of society because of their appearance.

These mutants have learned to use various delivery apps to find sustenance, food and drink, and can stream media to entertain themselves.

All of them are castigated to the literal margins of society. First of all, because they are teenagers, meaning growing into their bodies weirdly, gradually figuring out just how they fit in the world. But more particularly, each represent different versions of castigation: One a leader who no one listens to, one parties too much, one too smart, one emo. All of them are freakishly intelligent. All of them masters of a martial art, too, which they have learned because they have nothing but time and space to hone skills. What these four want more than anything in the world is to be accepted as humans. With all the privileges that adult humans take for granted.

Not as, merely, teenage mutant ninja turtles.

Feb 16, 2018 — Why do you think William Carlos Williams’ parents stopped there? Why not name him William Carlos William Carlos Williams?

Jan 19, 2018 — Shout out to all the people I’ve lost touch with over the years!

Jan 9, 2018 — A friend on Facebook declared he would never fly United again. Well, sure enough, a year later he’s complaining about United again! So now I’m on the phone with him trying to get a voucher for a free dinner.

Dec 15, 2017 — There are still Google calendars of people who have died years ago, their regularly scheduled events extending forever into eternity.

Dec 5, 2017 — I'm too old to burn the roof of my mouth on really hot pizza!

Nov 3, 2017 — I’m going to be that dad who writes the “I Made My Kids Watch Every Sesame Street Episode from the ‘80s. Here’s What Happened” articles.

Nov 2, 2017 — When I think of heaven I think of a bunch of angels smoking cigarettes.

Oct 20, 2017 — You miss 100% of the jello shots you don't take.

Sep 18, 2017 — My taste in music will never crystalize.

Sep 11, 2017 — What if there was a convenient store like Target that was just as big and cheap and centrally located. But you could get anything repaired: smart phones, TVs, shoes, clothes, furniture…

Sep 7, 2017 — Choosing between a bus or a subway is like choosing between a tortoise or a hare. The bus is slow and steady, while the subway is fast but takes lots of naps.

Sep 1, 2017 — You Won't Believe What Topanga Looks Like Today! Nothing. Topanga is a Fictional Character Who Ceased to Exist When the Show Ended.

Aug 31, 2017 — Something I’ve always wanted to say but probably never will in my lifetime: “Whatever they’re paying you, I'll double it!”

Aug 28, 2017 — I’ve never been more excited to personally boycott Whole Foods than today!

Aug 25, 2017 — Me taking a photo: it’s just a few seconds sucking my stomach in, but a lifetime of cherished memories where I look skinny.

Aug 24, 2017 — Perhaps it’s true what Seal says: we’re never going to survive unless we get a little crazy.

Aug 11, 2017 — You ever see fruit that’s almost too ripe at the grocery store and think, “I’ll save you little buddies!”

Aug 10, 2017 — I’d love to be able to boo the president in person before he leaves office.

Aug 2, 2017 — I can never afford to upgrade seats when I take an airplane so I settle for upgrading spots when I take the subway

Jul 17, 2017 — *Spoiler alert* Game of Thrones is a “fantasy” in which a pending climate disaster can be faced only after children ignore the petty tribal battles inherited from their parents.

Jul 12, 2017 — Is there a law that says chicken fingers has to be on every children’s menu?

Jul 4, 2017 — I hope for America’s birthday, America does what I do on my birthday: take a hard look at itself and decide to get its shit together.

Jun 26, 2017 — It’s funny how whenever you say something like “2017 sucks!” you’re also vaguely referring to the birth of Christ.

Jun 20, 2017 — What idiot named it Father’s Day and not Day of the Dad?

May 26, 2017 — “We don’t need safe spaces,” says guy whose whole world is a little safe space.

May 12, 2017 — On the subway, I watched as a man, who had only one hand free, use his nose to zoom in on his phone. As we made eye contact, I smiled and nodded to him in recognition of his sly act. I had been there myself! But he did not appreciate my acknowledgement! He frowned in disgust.

May 11, 2017 — Anyone else often make themselves a very healthy dinner but then eat so much of it you still feel like shit at the end?

May 8, 2017 — Life is a short series of vacations.

May 5, 2017 — You ever see someone’s phone so messed up with a cracked screen you almost want to throw up a little?

May 4, 2017 — During the production of the 1982 film “Summer Lovers,” filmmakers secured unprecedented permission to film at an actual dig site, the presumed “lost city of Atlantis” at Akrotiri in Greece. In an area of the site selected for its light and production values, the actress Valérie Quennessen, under the supervision and instructed by a real archaeologist, began work as the cameras started rolling. She had hardly begun brushing off dirt when she uncovered several pieces of 3,500-year-old pottery that were turned in and added to the scientific collection.

Apr 27, 2017 — Scientists discovered a species of human that can eat through a hell of his own making!

Apr 24, 2017 — I just feel the most comfortable when I’m wearing a tuxedo.

Apr 24, 2017 — When the trains are late I wish there was a number I could call to complain. A man will answer and say, “yes, it was I who ordered the delays!”

Apr 18, 2017 — The bathroom at work starts beeping if you hide away in it for too long.

Apr 13, 2017 — I thought a lot about the Я in Toys Я Us when the store first opened in my town. By the time the Я made a reappearance in KOЯN, I was well prepared.

Apr 11, 2017 — If you see anything this year, make it the warm spring sun bursting forth from winter clouds!

Apr 10, 2017 — I’ll be age 85 when the next summer of ‘69 comes along. Nice. 

Apr 7, 2017 — Me, awake in the morning and already full of wonder: “Is that the sound of the coffee grinder, or is it really the sound of coffee beans screaming out in pain in the last moments of their life?”

Mar 31, 2017 — Today is Franz Joseph Haydn's birthday, so on the radio they played his Trumpet Concert in E-flat Major. When I was in high school, I took lessons from this German man who lived near me named Axel. He loved Haydn and over the course of a year, I perfected this piece with him. This morning, I found that I knew the tune by heart. I couldn't believe how difficult it was, and I was shocked that as a teenager, I was able to play it! Is there any skill you had when you were younger that you no longer possess?

Mar 29, 2017 — Have you ever had a boss who sends unintelligible emails, and part of your job is to be able to decipher them as quickly as possible?

Mar 27, 2017 — What if I went on vacation... forever?

Mar 24, 2017 — I’ve taken it upon myself to fill new hires in on the history of the contents of our organization’s freezer.

Mar 22, 2017 — I’d love to see a model walk down the catwalk holding a phone with two hands during the next fashion week. The way normal people look.

Mar 21, 2017 — No one wearing a pinstripe suit can be up to any good.

Mar 20, 2017 — I always found Saul’s name-change after converting to Christianity (to Paul) uninspired.

Mar 14, 2017 — Dark are the hearts of those who never open the airplane window to gaze upon our majestic earth.

Feb 24, 2017 — I got married yesterday. Ask me anything.

Feb 14, 2017 — On Valentine’s Day, love yourself! If you don’t love you who else will? Just kidding! There is probably someone desperate enough to love you.

Feb 10, 2017 — My thing lately is writing extremely positive reviews for any service that asks me to review their employee. First of all, if you’re writing negative reviews for someone, rethink your position. Yes, you’re the customer, but you’re not there to decide if a person keeps their job. Who knows what that person was going through at that moment? You have had bad days. I'm sure you can relate.

Secondly, by reviewing a person’s performance, you are working in cahoots with the corporation—Yelp, Lyft, Uber, Airbnb or whatever, against the worker. Those corporations don't care about the workers. They only care about you, the consumer, inasmuch as you are able to supply them a percentage of your money that they did very little to provide a service for. So anyway, that’s just my thing.

Feb 6, 2017 — It’s cute when people suggest that the apocalypse will happen in their lifetime.

Feb 1, 2017 — Men With Great Powerful Headphones On Explain Things To Me

Jan 30, 2017 — I am not a religious man, and by no means a Christian, but I find it so absurd how alleged Christian people have missed the message of the Gospels that should empower them to fight against poverty, for refugees and for brotherly love, that I am now considering quitting my job and becoming a traveling priest just to proselytize the true word of Jesus, whose thoughts, in this climate, are rather radical.

Jan 25, 2017 — Yesterday, whoever ran the social media account of the Badlands National Park Service began tweeting out facts about climate change. In a matter of minutes, the tweets disappeared. It was a simple act of defiance against a new administration that has ordered silence on the topic of something that affects all of us. Yes, especially those in precariously situated areas like—oh, I don’t know—the Mar-A-Lago estate in Florida.

Sharing information in an administration that prohibits distribution of facts is the whole premise of the last Star Wars film, Rogue One. The last scene where many rebel fighters pass a hard drive ahead to each other while a well-known representative of the empire chases them down is an obvious allegory for the situation we are in.

In this new administration, my job (supporting artists) suddenly has the added benefit of feeling like rebellious activity. It's not a surprise to me that companies like Teen Vogue, 16 Handles and Merriam-Webster are using their platform to voice dissent. Many activities that were mundane before will now start to feel like action against the administration.

If your every day activities aren’t in some way counteracting dictator-like movements of the president, then rethink your strategy. The next few years will bring a collection of very small battles that together can win a war.

Jan 24, 2017 — Imagine Netflix has a chat function...

Martin Scorsese sends you a message: “I saw U only watched 20 mins of The Departed. What gives?”

Jan 6, 2017 — You want originality? I’m originally from California!

Jan 5, 2017 — Carpe diem, as they say. Or, in English, seize your per diem.

Jan 3, 2017 — I’d like to make an app where strangers who ask me for directions can rate my accuracy, quality and overall style after they’ve reached their destination.

Nov 28, 2016 — I get high on my own supply... of daily affirmations!

Nov 4, 2016 — Things I love lately:

• making eye contact

• holding the door open for people

• swiping people into the subway as I exit

• saying hello to random people in my neighborhood

Oct 28, 2016 — San Pellegrino is the gateway drug of soda waters. It got me hooked on soda water but now I like the harder stuff.

Oct 24, 2016 — Christ djed for our sins.

Oct 20, 2016 — Do you ever see the subway conductors leaning out of their window during stops and want to give them a kiss on the cheek?

Sep 30, 2016 — Can we agree that the acronym craze in America is totally out of control?

Sep 28, 2016 — Ten years ago, I was in my last year as an undergraduate at UC Davis. I took a class on Caribbean literature from a professor in my field that I had heard was good, Marc Blanchard. I remember the first day very well. We discussed not one Caribbean writer or poet—nor did we ever throughout the semester. He spoke, very largely and passionately, about oppression in America. In particular, one point of his struck me: he mentioned a recent police shooting in New Orleans of a black man who was impoverished and jobless. The cops later cited his “erratic behavior” as reason to use violent force. Then, the professor played a viagra commercial that used the same phrase, “erratic behavior,” as a possible side effect. I don’t remember the exact details of the connection, but I remember Blanchard concluding something like, “So a side effect of a drug that accounts for loss of libido—which could easily stem from poverty or joblessness—could also be used as reason to kill a black man?” That first day of class came back to me this morning, when I read that police in San Diego killed a man (Alfred Olango) because of “erratic behavior.”

Blanchard died in 2009. He was really important to a lot of students in my school. And I realize now how necessary his style of teaching was: at a time when so many people are dying needlessly, why would he spend 3 hours of class talking to mostly white students about 20th century poetry? Or, more importantly, how can one discuss Caribbean literature—a section of the world, like many others, rife with a history of oppression—without discussing the many forms of oppression that are readily apparent to us today?

Sep 24, 2016 — The apples at the farmer’s market today were so fresh they touched my butt!

Sep 13, 2016 — In 1965, Alan Stillman was a young man living in Manhattan, who, in his own words, was “looking to meet girls.” He lived in a neighborhood with many airline stewardesses, fashion models, secretaries, and other young, single people. “There was no public place for people between, say, 23 to 37 years old, to meet.” With this in mind, he opened T.G.I. Friday’s.

Sep 12, 2016 — I’d like my cigarette ashes to be scattered at Burning Man.

Sep 6, 2016 — You know what I would love to do? Go see the Mona Lisa and just photograph the heck out of it.

Aug 4, 2016 — I finally got a credit card so I can rack up debt and destroy the American economy like a real adult!

Jul 20, 2016 — It took me 32 years, but I’m no longer afraid of ghosts.

Jul 1, 2016 — All my friends are old and grown.

Jun 11, 2016 — People who like astrology know everything about the zodiac signs but if you look up in the sky and ask them which planet is by the moon they have no idea.

Jun 3, 2016 — In Brooklyn, there are probably more than 10 abandoned White Castle building structures. They are all sitting there, boarded up, with signs warning about rat poison. Here's an idea: why not turn these into a series of arts spaces that can serve their respective communities. Each one has the added bonus of having ample parking space! Now, that’s my idea of a real castle!

May 26, 2016 — I mean what does “go outside” really mean anyway? My apartment has windows, and if I open them it feels exactly like being outside.

May 19, 2016 — I liked porridge before it was cool.

May 16, 2016 — “The hardship will teach you soon, while the day turns to night, that people feel love, loss, sadness and longing.” - Icelandic lullaby

Apr 28, 2016 — Lately YouTube started showing me ads in Spanish for some reason, and it makes me feel like I’m on a little vacation in Spain!

Apr 27, 2016 — I saw a guy on the subway screenshotting people’s instagram photos and cropping their names out when the train stopped and an announcement came over the loudspeaker. I suddenly thought the police were coming to get him.

Apr 25, 2016 — It just occurred to me that I can buy Lucky Charms even though my mom won’t let me eat them.

Apr 21, 2016 — When I was 12 at summer camp, one of the camp counselors told me she heard Prince was great at sex.

Apr 16, 2016 — A formative moment in my lifetime was when I lived in California and drove by a house party with a sign that said “Hella Booze.”

Apr 13, 2016 — Female pallbearers? Over my dead body!!!

Apr 7, 2016 — Working hard AND hardly working. That's how good I am at multitasking!

Apr 5, 2016 — I work for peanuts. Really expensive peanuts!

Mar 28, 2016 — If a black kitty crosses your path, you lucky as fuck. Go up and pet that little buddy!!!

Mar 21, 2016 — This little girl just passed me going downhill on a razor scooter and I honestly thought, wow that looks so scary.

Mar 18, 2016 — How to hold your phone like an old person: Hold the phone with just your fingertips. Use both hands. Consider it. Focus your eyes, as if you’re about to learn some sobering news. Adjust the distance of the phone from your face. Begin swiping or typing a text message as though each moment of contact bares the weight of your ancestors.

Mar 14, 2016 — Some people make hoverboards look cool as hell, and others are an embarrassment to the hoverboard community.

Mar 4, 2016 — Today I learned that just listening to the audio of episodes of the Simpsons at work doesn’t count as a podcast!

Feb 22, 2016 — It’s 2016: how come there aren’t roombas roaming the streets picking up dog poop?

Jun 30, 2016 — When I was in high school, I was fervent about jazz. I played trumpet and belonged to the school jazz band. None of us were very good—except for the lead saxophonist, who I am sure is still playing to this day—and none of us practiced at home. We were saved by the simple fact that our band leader made us play together at 7 every morning of the week. Thinking back on it, our band was a ragtag cast of characters. A few of the people were my friends, but some were people I would never have hung out with outside of that situation, like the young piano player who had recently discovered he could lucid dream, and would nap on the keyboard whenever the band leader worked on something with the horn section.

The main draw of playing in a jazz band, as opposed to other bands, is that you get to improvise every now and then. When you look at the jazz greats, you can hear their heart and soul in their solos. It is as if you can hear their personalities come through their choice of notes and energy of playing. But when you're talking about a ragtag bunch of barely trained musicians like ourselves, it’s something different. The point of improvisation is that you make up melodies on the spot. Ideally, your fingers know every chord of the song so well that you can skip along a melody without even thinking about it. When you don't know much, it's more of a strain. We did not know how to make melodies up like that. It was merely a jumble of notes and a cadence. I still remember the sound of some of my friends’ refrains that they would rely on whenever it came their turn to solo. One friend played the saxophone, and when it was his turn, he would always begin with a wailing note with a few leader notes before. The note wasn't clear or particularly compelling to any of the songs he improvised on. Instead, it was nasally and always slightly off key. Quite simply, it was usually the wrong note to highlight. And yet, he played it every time. Over time, this nasally, off key phrase began to suit him, and it would play in my head every time I saw him. Indeed, rather than come off as a meaningless set of notes, it actually seemed to compliment his tone of voice, his way of gesturing feverishly with his hands, his awkward way of stumbling over speaking, the erratic way he used to drive us all home after school.

Each of us had a specific way of improvising that we grew into, and because it wasn’t good, we would often take to mocking each other for the turns of phrase we repeated. For me, this simply wouldn't do. I could solo without thinking about it, but I was never pleased with the result. And practicing was just out of the question. If asked why we were even trying to play jazz, I wondered what we would have said. Realistically, none of us would continue. For me, I think it was living half in a fantasy, and using something that I had done for long enough as an extra curricular activity to apply to college later on. College admissions would see that I was dedicated to an art form, and they wouldn't see all the failures that made up every morning practice session.

Nonetheless, I kept on, and as I said the typical way of learning to improvise would not do for me. Instead, I would try a bunch of phrases and after write down the ones that worked. Like a comedian building up an hour long routine of material with various extemporaneous jokes discovered in conversation, I eventually put together a full solo for one song. This sort of progress was perhaps laughable to an actual musician, but it was how I went about it. I am speaking now of skills that I no longer possess, and am perhaps analyzing them in a way that my younger self may have thought was foreign. Still, this way of writing a solo seemed like cheating to me.

A group of professional musicians would come around to our band once a month to practice with us. They would split up and lend their expertise in their respective instrument section. The trumpet player was an old gray haired man who always wore spectacles, a fedora, and a beige raincoat. His mustache was overgrown, like a walrus's. Despite this, he played the trumpet effortlessly, and I remember idolizing him, secretly wanting to be this old man eventually, who smelled of booze and cigarettes every time he came to our school. In our private school of teenage boys, he was something rather alien to me. He was a noted musician, but perhaps only in an inner circle of jazz enthusiasts. I think he’s dead now.

The first time I decided to debut the solo I had culled together was one of the days that these musicians were there. I played two verses of it, the second time playing off the first in the same way that I had heard that Canonball Adderly did on a song on Kind of Blue. It was well met: when I finished, the older musicians looked at me and simultaneously let out a low cheer. A thrill passed through my body as I had not known before. They were all united in their praise of me for one moment.

It was a feeling so strong, that in others, it may have been impetus to continue practicing and become a noted professional musician. Because I am lazy, I suppose, and my interests are eccentric, and often cancel each other out, it did no such thing, and I ended up quitting trumpet after one, less than sensational year playing in a university band.

But after that day, I felt really good about my triumph, and I still imagined that I would go on to be a professional. Weeks later, my sentiments were matched by a letter I received in the mail. Unbeknownst to me, the old musicians used their time playing with different high school bands to put together a band of all-star musicians. This band would meet in the summer to practice, and then go on to tour Europe at a few jazz festivals: we had already been booked to play in Austria, Switzerland and Italy. They wanted me to join as fifth chair trumpet.

Jan 27, 2016 — The only thing I liked about Inception is that they were constantly taking naps.

Jan 21, 2016 — Get Old or Die Trying

Jan 18, 2016 — He laughs and turns to look at you, as if you know. He shows you his phone, so that you may laugh too.

Jan 16, 2016 — Love when a dog passes you and, without its owner seeing you, you get a sneaky little head pat in.

Jan 14, 2016 — Old Powerball ticket

on my desk,

like my high school

science notebooks:

useless,

but keepers

of an obsolete hope.

Jan 6, 2016 — New Study Finds Kissing Boo Boos Does Relatively Little To Improve Injuries

Jan 2, 2016 — The other day I was at a golf club for a breakfast brunch when I thought I saw someone famous. “Is that Pat Manning?” I asked a kid standing next to me in a hockey jersey. He looked at me annoyed. “It’s Peyton Manning,” he said. I just wanted to get near Peyton Manning to see what he smelled like. But by the chafing dishes of scrambled eggs, Peyton Manning came up to me and asked if I wanted to toss the football around outside. How could I pass up an opportunity to toss around a football with Peyton Manning, I wondered? “Sure,” I said, “but just know that I throw like a girl.” “It doesn’t matter,” said Peyton Manning. Outside we were joined by Troy Aikman who was dressed in a white turtleneck, a beige blazer and glasses. “The human wikipedia!” said Peyton Manning. Since retirement, evidently, Troy Aikman had been reading a lot of wikipedia articles. We formed a triangle on the grass and started tossing the pigskin. “Do you listen to Radiolab?” Troy Aikman asked me. “Yes I love Radiolab!” I told him. He threw the ball to me. “Do you play racquetball?” he asked. “No,” I said, “but I heard a Radiolab about it.” Troy Aikman started laughing so hard that he threw a rather clumsy spiral to Peyton Manning. After a while we grew tired of throwing the ball back and forth, so Peyton Manning started doing tricks. He could, for instance, twirl his cigarette in circles in the air, throw the ball through the ensuing smoke and a smoke ring would float toward me. Afterward Peyton Manning gave me some advice: “invest in savings bonds,” he said. “It’s made me a rich man.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him he had something between his teeth.

Dec 16, 2015 — For a small fee, I will tuck the shit out of you before bed.

Dec 1, 2015 — In my kingdom, my throne shall be a standing desk.

Nov 25, 2015 — Thank god for the internet. How did people make Thanksgiving food or talk to their parents before?